Looking back, looking forward, just being here now.

“One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.” --Henry Miller

["Si usted puede leer esto, usted es impresionante!"]

breath in, breath out. Repeat.

"When you give a color a name, it is the beginning of blindness." --Zen saying

[jos voit lukea tämän, olet mahtava!]

the power of art

Gathering images, throwing them on the scanner, making the pages interesting by moving things around, adding a stamp, a photo, a scrap of newspaper.
Last night I had a little art date.
I was fishing around in some old papers, and found a bit of a map of Paris, ticket stubs from a movie there, a small photo of Edith Piaf.
I messed around with these and some more scraps on the scanner to make a collage for the journal.
Edith Piaf has always inspired me -- and inspired a generation of people who listened to her music through hard times. By expressing herself so poignantly, she spoke for many who needed a voice. She put all her pain and all her emotion into her music.
Art, when voiced from a true and authentic place, can be the voice for many.
I find that just working in my journal, making some images, writing some words, helps get out what I need to get out.
Find some beauty today in your world - express this beauty. You will find healing in this process.
And what heals us, heals the world.
Just ask Edith.



"For me, singing is a way of escaping. It's another world. I'm no longer on earth."
--Edith Piaf

Ansuz - the messenger Rune

Another Rune journal page for today - Ansuz, which stands for signals, messages, and the God Loki. This rune indicates that connection with the Divine is at hand, and that this is a time for exploring the depths and foundations of life.
This morning I had a chance to explore those depths - I went outside to below zero temperatures, to a car covered in snow and ice which needed to get cleaned, so my daughter could get to her second day at the new high school.
Luckily, I had gloves, but unluckily not a very good scraper and not very good boots.
oh the cold.
Colorado sure delivers some cold temperatures.
But I managed to get most of the ice and snow scraped, warmed up the car, and got her to school in time. On the way we saw a kid walking to school in just a tee shirt and shorts, no coat.
WoW.

Moving creates so much new stress, and right now I am just trying to get through the errands of new drivers license, car registration, check books, boxes and lost things, finding some boots and warm socks.
In a month, I think the message of Ansuz will seem a little more welcome.



"Nothing worth having doesn't come without some kind of fight." --Bruce Cockburn

Breath in suffering. . . .

Breath out Compassion.
I love those two lines. When my heart races, when I feel panic or anxiety, when the stress of life feels like it will knock me down, I try to stop and say those two lines slowly several times. I breath in my own suffering, and then breath out compassion for myself.
Working in the journal, of course, is an extended way to do just this.
Playing with paper, images, color, words, arranging and gluing these things down in my journal is a way for me to process my own need for transmuting my anxiety into beauty.
This page today is really about that - making beauty.
Collage is such a powerful way to access the subconscious.
Actually, it feels like it is a way to heal the subconscious.
I know in paint, the same thing can happen, but I find the careful planning needed to make a painting interferes with my creative sub-conscious process.
For me, collage works the same way dreams do -- something gets spoken that I didn't know.
I try to not use my head too much, to just listen and let the images flow.
I have my studio mostly set up, and I am eager to mine the gems of my new life here at the foothills of the Rockies.
Life is not without stress, but what we do with our stress can turn our lumps of coal into amazing diamonds.
I can thank my journal for helping me with this process.



"I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas: they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind." --Emily Bronte

New Beginnings, Sad Goodbyes

A few days ago, we landed in Denver, my daughter and I, and went to the baggage carousel to pick up our luggage.
Standing very near was a tall man with waist length black hair, probably Hopi or Navajo, waiting for his luggage. As we waited for our bags, from behind him came a much older version of the man, a woman with short curly white hair, but the same face, just with many lines of age, a weathered and strong face.
He turned, and then how they greeted each other was so moving. They didn't say any words, they just silently leaned into each other and touched foreheads. They stayed that way, very still, silent. After what seemed like half a minute, she leaned back and took his face in both of her hands, and just stared deeply into his eyes.
The vision of this, the mother greeting the son with such deep, yet unspoken, emotion, made my eyes fill with tears as I witnessed their reunion, and my eyes fill with tears as I remember it.
That very morning, I had said goodbye to my two older children, whom I know I might not see for many months, economics being what they are for us now.
We love our children so deeply, we spend every day thinking of their well-being, feeding them, cleaning for them, asking them casually how their days are. I have done this job for 24 years. Now, two thirds of a continent away from two thirds of my children, I am facing a very new way of relating to them. We will skype, and text, and e-mail, yes. But they will be living on their own, and I will be a long, long ways away.
This very graceful Native American Mother, greeting her very elegant looking Native American son was a beautiful vision of this love parents have for their children.
The way no words needed to be spoken, just a deep, deep looking, a deep deep knowing, said so much of this powerful bond.
I am here in Denver now, unpacking countless boxes, getting my youngest daughter oriented and ready to start at her new high school in a few days. As I unpack, I have not a small amount of sadness at what I left behind, but also, I know looking forward is the way of wisdom and how we need to walk this earth.
I have already gone on a hike at Bear Creek Lake Park, and the ranger there told me of a great horny owl nesting area in the cottonwoods, where it is easy to spot and hear owls. I found a stone from my new life, and it will go on the altar that is already on my desk, to remind me of the permanent connection we have to the Earth, to our Mother, who looks deeply into our eyes, and promises that love with continue.

and no journal pages yet, but this is a part of a drawing by my beautiful and talented daughter, Lindsay, who will do great things with her art, and whose eyes I will look deeply into next time I can see her:



"Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form." --Rumi

Blessings of the Season

Yesterday in Whole Foods, the cashier asked me how my holidays were going.
I told her of the chaos of packing a house and moving across the country in our sort of difficult circumstances.
She shared with me deeply from her own life - a husband leaving her, losing her job, her Mom dying, followed by two months of deep depression where the only thing that kept her alive was a friend coming to check on her every day.
I teared up at her story, and she came around the aisle to hug me. (shoppers behind me in line looked on with great curiosity!)
She said something that has actually been a huge Christmas Gift to me, because it is so true, and she felt it so deeply:
"The most important thing is that you have a loving family and loving friends to stand by you - nothing else really matters."
I have been thinking of her words often.
I have such a wonderful family - my Mom has helped us beyond words these last few months, one brother is having us house sit for him, another is helping us load the truck and is always on the look out for jobs for my husband, and another brother helped arrange an art show of my Mushroom Collages at his intentional community. Our kids have been great - rallying and helping whenever they can, rubbing my neck and hugging me when I need hugs.
Friends call to check on me and make sure I am okay.
It turns out that difficulty in life lets our loved ones care for us - our struggles become chances for others to shine for us and on us.
I truly am hugely blessed.
Twenty Ten begins a new life for us.
I will miss loved ones we leave behind here in New Jersey tremendously, but their light will still shine on me, on us.
I am so grateful for the truth that Love, really, is all there is.
Have a blessed holiday - I will be back here after we move and get a bit settled.



"If a thing loves, it is infinite." --William Blake

another RUNE journal entry - Berkana

Berkana stands for growth and rebirth and is symbolized by the birch tree.
This is a perfect Rune to have pulled one week before we load the truck and head into our new lives.
The house is about half packed, so the next few weeks I will not be here much, but here we come, Twenty Ten, new decade, new home in a new state, a new life.
Here we come, Rocky Mountains.
The goodbyes are very sad, and the distance we will now have to family and friends is actually overwhelming me a bit, but I know with technology like Skype and texting, I will have loved ones a few clicks away, if not in person.
Growth and rebirth is something that hurts a bit while it is happening, but after the process is complete, a new plateau (hopefully) is reached; new beginnings are not easy, but they are what life is all about - the strong birth tree each year sheds it leaves, and dies a little death, only to start over again in the Spring.
Last night, Solstice, the longest night of the year came and went. We lit candles and hit drums in a wonderful circle at our Unitarian Congregation, and now we welcome longer days and more light as we start a new decade in a week.
Even as the snow and cold holds us for a few more months, even as a long journey is ahead for us, I know that new beginnings will take time to work themselves out, the Rune, Berkana calls for a time of blossoming and ripening . . . .
Welcome, change.



"Discoveries are often made by not following instructions, by going off the main road, by trying the untried." --Frank Tyger

busy packing my life, but here are some thoughts:

The act of moving requires you to go through each thing in your life and see if
it is worth keeping. I am realizing how good this is to clean out and have this
purge, but also how devastating it is to look back, and think work you did is only
worthy of going out with the trash.
As an artist, I spent years perfecting my drawing and painting ability - and
right now outside with our overflowing trash cans, is a huge pile of drawings
and paintings which I just could not justify lugging across the country one more
time. (many went from Bethesda to Indiana to New Jersey and now to cross the
country to Colorado again is just too much to ask . . . . )
Part of me feels defeated, and like my time spent in these creative acts was
worthless and now just trash.
But I know this isn't really true.
I know that any of us who contribute creatively are adding something huge and
important to the world.
and, forgive sounding a bit "braggy", but it is a brave act to spend one's life
force in the act of creating something new that maybe no one will ever pay for,
that no museum or gallery will ever hang on the wall, that no e-bay site will
ever send into the world in exchange for a paypal payment.
So many artists that made huge contributions to our human evolution of thinking
and enlightenment and sharing deeply their human experience in a brilliant and
talented way, never got money or recognition for their powerful work.
I am not putting myself in that group, but I am trying to move forward knowing
something that I spent my life force making was worthwhile for someone . . . .
even if just for Spirit.
Working creatively and earning money doing it are such different forces, and I
have always had profound conflict about how to balance the two pressures -
follow your bliss vs. earn a living.
So here, on the thresh hold of giving away/throwing away lots of my creative
work, with paintings and drawings out in the trash heap, I vow to breath in the
suffering I feel from my own non-recognition, and breath out compassion and
acceptance of the reality that to work creatively is to ADD something to the
world, even if it does not result in money or fame.

Giving your gift to the world sometimes has a cost.
A long as Spirit allows me to make my art, and have my voice, I will share
creative work.
I can't do anything else.

"When we sit down day after day and keep grinding, something mysterious starts to happen... Unseen forces enlist in our cause; serendipity reinforces our purpose." --Steven Pressfield

1001 Journals

I am honored to have been asked to be interviewed for the Journal Project 1001 Journals, a place where we can all share our journaling work with each other and with the world. It is a very inspiring place to visit.
Here are the very beautifully intentional questions, and the answers I provided for the website, and I will post a link when the interview is added there:

1. Your background is in architecture and art. When working on an art piece do you use the same thinking method as in when you do architecture work or do you use a totally different thinking method: I got into architecture because I wanted to creatively affect the environment - making art really is the same impulse. In creating anything, I try to make something meaningful and beautiful that will also be functional. My early work as an architect also gave me some powerful tools I still use in my work: strong graphics to communicate clearly, and an ability to follow through on projects that I might not have had without that vigorous architecture training.

2. On your website there is an article about your work in the group Jfive ; a group of artist you did collaborative painting with; as a group did you all decide to take the piece in one direction? Or did everyone add onto it and let the piece go in it’s own direction? j5, later j4, was a very powerful experiment in collaboration for me - we were from three different countries (American, Japan and Germany) and we all painted simultaneously on very large canvases. We never planned, we never directed, we never decided anything before taking up our brushes, squirting out some colors, and going for it together. Sometimes we got paint on each other! This act of collaborative creation together was very joyful. Sadly, as our work progressed into the marketplace, that's where our communication suffered, and we couldn't sustain that level of joy when dollars and galleries came into the picture. The few years we worked together, and the resulting canvases were quite wonderful.

3. I love your journal entries posted on your journal blog and the stories and process you go through in creating them. Can you share with us the kind of process in creating your journal pieces? Funny to even think of them as "pieces." Journaling for me has always been about powerful self expression, about the process of getting it out, and not about what it will look like. I find if I even consider what the page will look like, this interferes with the freedom to make a mess, and make a mistake, and find the hidden inner voice that I am trying to free. I do have a sort of method, though - I start with color, add some images, add some words, and see what happens. I teach this method, then encourage students to take the work to their own place. Mostly we need to learn to let go of our carefulness, messy is always better in my mind, because that touches the intuitive pre-verbal place in our brains, which I believe is more connected to our authentic voice.

4. When you create a journal entry is it for self-expression or communicating with others? See above - 99 percent self expression. but I admit that when others connect to my work, it feels quite validating as an artist. But I try not to have this affect my process.

5. When did you begin your artistic relationship with shamanic influences in your artwork? The Shamanism sort of found me. In my first studio, another tenant in the building asked me if I wanted to drum together in the morning. I would drum for twenty minutes with him, then go to my studio and start work. Without me even understanding what was happening, the voice of the drum found it's way into my art. I ended up studying Shamanism for the last 20 years, and now it is an essential part of what I do. They say the drumbeat is the heartbeat of the Earth, and I have certainly been drawn into a desire to help heal the environment and protect Mother Earth as part of my art consciousnesss.

6. When working on your journal entries do you allow the physical pages to limit your expression? if you are wondering if the ink and paper and glue ends up plastered on my work surface - ha! Yes! But I also have some canvases around, and some postcards around, and mail art around, and they all receive the blessings of my messes. I could never work on just one thing at a time.

7. Many of your journal entries are made mixed media. Where do you look for your materials? Do you store materials before you use them or do you work with whatever you have at the moment you begin? Piles and piles of books and magazines and papers surround me. I love buying old books and tearing them apart. I am a paper-holic. I just have bags and bags of stuff at hand, and grab what I grab. One reason I love travel, is I save all the lovely scraps and bits of ephemera. All these bits and pieces end up in the collages.

8. Being that your journals are a personal project do you set deadlines for yourself? Or do you continue and to add on to it as you feel like. I heard one artist say in an interview that "if she doesn't get to do her art, someone will get hurt." I find that if I don't work in my journal, after a few days, I turn into a very grouchy unhappy person. For me this is an essential spiritual practice, so there is no question that I work as much as I can. Sometimes other work gets in the way, but I prefer to start every day with journaling, then let the other work flow from that.

9. What is next for your career as an artist? Where are you planning to show next? I am planning on launching a practise doing environmental Shamanism - using drumming and connection with spirit helpers to heal place and space and answer questions for clients. This will be in conjunction with my journaling work, and my magazine, "Creativity Cafe" which helps hold all these different interests in one place where I can share them. And as a shameless plug -- you can find out more about my magazine here: http://creativitycafejournal.blogspot.com/

10. Is there anything new that you want to learn as an artist to explore more possibilities in your work? Healing the planet is a priority for me, as I see so much environmental devastation in our food, in our air, in our ridiculous levels of consumption which have been normalized by big business. and for me, I have learned that healing the Self is the first step in healing the World. Since my journaling is the first step of self healing I know I will always be firmly committed to continuing and sharing this essential practice. Although it seems so personal, it really is part of the wholeness of all life that needs our nurturing.



"One does not stand still looking for a path. One walks; and as one walks, a path comes into being." --Mas Kodani

Sacred Alchemy

I just read somewhere that one thing a Shaman does is to make sacred healing objects.
I realize that my journal is a healing object for me.
And that the self-expression found in an art journal transforms it into a sacred healing object.
Alchemy.
The conversion of one element into another.
See if your journal can make some alchemy for you - see if making collages, writing, or just playing with some fun paper and bright colors can turn this journaling work into a sacred act for you.
I know it does for me.

and today's RUNE - Hagalaz, the great disrupter. . . .



"Observe the wonders as they occur around you. Don't claim them. Feel the artistry moving through, and be silent." --Rumi

EHWAZ - transition and movement

Today for my Rune journal, I pulled the rune Ehwaz - which stands for transition and movement.
Ehwaz comes from the sign for Horse pulling the sun across the sky -- traditionally associated with moral steadfastness and staying the course.
The course of this month for me is packing a household and a studio, and getting two of my three children settled on their own - so I relate strongly to the need for steadfastness.
This rune is also associated with new dwelling places - no surprise there!
New exciting paths await, and I am learning that the journey itself is the goal . . .

Pull a rune, make a collage - it really is an amazing process.



"In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you."
--Deepak Chopra

URUZ -- strength in change

This next month, as I pack and get ready to move across the country, I am going to pull a Rune now and then and journal on it's meaning to me.
Today - I got URUZ, which stands for strength in change.
How perfect is that?
The Runes are so wise.



"Am I going to change the world, or am I going to change me? Or maybe change the world a little bit, just by changing me?" --Sadie Delany

What do you wish for?

Here's what I know: that if I grab some cool paper, cut it up and tear it a bit; then if I grab some cool inks and colors, and a handful of juicy, colorful markers;
then if I make a mess and play with all these things in my journal, letting my mind float into a playful, imaginative place. . . . if I let my consciousness settle on how things could and should be, rather than how they are, the world will be a better place.
and I will be a better person in that world.
The colorful papers and inks and markers and collage frees my mind from the rigid structure of this world, from the rigid structure of thinking that life is limited and narrow and hard.
Let your journal help you get to a better place.
Let your journal be the playground your mind needs to release all the troubles of this life.
Let your journal be that medicine that you need, that vacation that you long for, the transcendent meditation that helps your mind go where you would rather it go.
Let your journal help show you what your wishes and dreams are, what your true voice says, and what your true life looks like.
Don't accept what you don't want - dream what you can and should have in this life.
Color and collage it, write it and draw it, then BE it.



"Reality is when you pay the rent. Get caught in traffic or your car breaks down. Really it's an AM/FM sort of thing. You've got reality and then there's the miraculous and the transcendent. And once you start, time stops." --Carolyn See

Gratitude

Joy. What gives you joy? Do that. That is your gift back to the Universe.



Got no check books, got no banks.
Still I'd like to express my thanks –
I got the sun in the mornin' and the moon at night. --Irving Berlin

the spiral of life

I added a few more photos from my Oregon Mushroom trip to my journal.
I had a time in the woods in the rain alone, and I made a little collage from moss, lichen and a pine cone on a fallen tree.
I hope someone found it and wondered at the beauty in the natural world.
I know I do.




“What is art but life upon the larger scale, the higher. When, graduating up in a spiral line of still expanding and ascending gyres, it pushes toward the intense significance of all things, hungry for the infinite?” --Elizabeth Barrett Browning

down, down, down the rabbit hole.

So what does all this 2012 brouhaha mean? Is the world coming to an end as we know it? Will the banks and economy totally collapse, and will we all have to re-engineer our Mad Max vehicles to work on biofuel and all run around wearing fur and patchwork capes?
One thing I do notice, is many of us are wanting to get ourselves situated in a place we really are called to be -- it is a time of readjusting priorities and making what truly is important the emphasis in our lives.
For me, my Shamanic work and my art are key to my sense of doing work that is meaningful.
Taking care of my family has been my number one priority for 25 years, and that chapter is slowly morphing into a time of more independence and autonomy.
This is hard for me. It feels like loss.
I weep for the time of no more cooking for a family, helping with homework, driving someone to somewhere, or many somewheres each day.
At the same time, it is so amazing to have this time to myself, time to really focus on the art, the healing work, the connection to wonder and growth and Spirit.
I firmly believe that as we heal ourselves, we heal the planet.
and that as we learn to take our own suffering and transmute it into compassion, the whole world benefits.

That's why I work in an art journal and share it here.
This work feels like my calling.

So today I was called to do this wild layout.
We got a little handout in the movie theater advertising this new Tim Burton Movie Alice in Wonderland.
You better believe I am excited about that one.

So I just tore that puppy up, cut and glued, added some ink and words.
and VOILA -- crazy fun pages that make me happy.
Let your journal make you happy today!

and never mind about 2012 - it will be a wild rabbit hole of wonder, and fun, too.



Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said: "one can't believe impossible things."
"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."
(Through the Looking Glass, Chapter 5)

some photos, some ink, some markers . . . .

This photo on the left page of my journal is one of the most favorite ever I have taken - it is a shadow cast down on Breitenbush River by my husband and I as we stood above on a footbridge.
Sometimes, just being able to print out a photo like this and put it in my journal is enough . . . . but I did add some more - a photo of the hand burned wooden sign into the conference center, and some words.
Then a few squiggly lines.
oh yeah, some stamps of bees, they just seemed like they belonged.
Being in nature, being in beauty, is so essential to my mental health.
I am so thrilled we are moving to a place where we can be outdoors more, with the mountains right there every day, awaiting our boots.
Yesterday we hiked a bit on Green Mountain, and mud, snow, slush, and ice, it didn't matter. The dogs were so happy and so were we.
Being outside = happiness.
And to cap it off with some photographs and journaling about it all = even more happiness.



"What is the good of your stars and trees, your sunrise and the wind, if they do not enter into our daily lives?" --E. M. Forster

hello from Colorado

My journal is getting a bit lonely, and the Muse is a bit mad at me for my neglect.
I have promised her lots of attention very very soon - because she likes glitter and messy paint and tearing up paper and making outrageous fun collages. . . . luckily she knows walks in the mountains will soon be a part of our daily life here in the Rockies! I heard someone on a great radio show about art say if they don't do their art daily, someone will get hurt. That they just tell their family, "don't knock on this door unless someone is bleeding or the house is on fire." Because we all have interruptions, and there just are no excuses for not making art . . . . so forgive me, Muse, I promise to spend some time this week with my journal.

I am in Colorado for a week of reconnoitering before our move next month, and I will fit in some journal time, and get some images posted at some point this week.
But for right now, I need to get outside and get the foot of snow off the car, so I can go pick up my daughter, who has been at a Unitarian Retreat for 9th graders - we are getting her plugged in here. Why did the snow come just now? I guess this is Colorado. . . . I better get used to it.

Happy Journaling!

"Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." --Helen Keller

I might just read this every morning. . . .

"Once you start to awaken, no one can ever claim you again for the old patterns. Now you realize how precious your time is here. You are no longer willing to squander your essence on undertakings that do not nourish your true self; your patience grows thin with tired talk and dead language. You see through the rosters of expectation which promise you safety and the confirmation of outer identity. Now you are impatient for growth, willing to put yourself in the direction of change. You want your work to become an expression of your gift. You want your relationship to voyage beyond the pallid fontiers to where the danger of transforatmion dwells. You want your God to be wild and to call you to where your destiny awaits.

You have come out of Platos's cave of Images into the sunlight and mystery of color and imagination."

--John O'Donohue