Tuesday, December 22, 2009

busy packing my life, but here are some thoughts:

The act of moving requires you to go through each thing in your life and see if
it is worth keeping. I am realizing how good this is to clean out and have this
purge, but also how devastating it is to look back, and think work you did is only
worthy of going out with the trash.
As an artist, I spent years perfecting my drawing and painting ability - and
right now outside with our overflowing trash cans, is a huge pile of drawings
and paintings which I just could not justify lugging across the country one more
time. (many went from Bethesda to Indiana to New Jersey and now to cross the
country to Colorado again is just too much to ask . . . . )
Part of me feels defeated, and like my time spent in these creative acts was
worthless and now just trash.
But I know this isn't really true.
I know that any of us who contribute creatively are adding something huge and
important to the world.
and, forgive sounding a bit "braggy", but it is a brave act to spend one's life
force in the act of creating something new that maybe no one will ever pay for,
that no museum or gallery will ever hang on the wall, that no e-bay site will
ever send into the world in exchange for a paypal payment.
So many artists that made huge contributions to our human evolution of thinking
and enlightenment and sharing deeply their human experience in a brilliant and
talented way, never got money or recognition for their powerful work.
I am not putting myself in that group, but I am trying to move forward knowing
something that I spent my life force making was worthwhile for someone . . . .
even if just for Spirit.
Working creatively and earning money doing it are such different forces, and I
have always had profound conflict about how to balance the two pressures -
follow your bliss vs. earn a living.
So here, on the thresh hold of giving away/throwing away lots of my creative
work, with paintings and drawings out in the trash heap, I vow to breath in the
suffering I feel from my own non-recognition, and breath out compassion and
acceptance of the reality that to work creatively is to ADD something to the
world, even if it does not result in money or fame.

Giving your gift to the world sometimes has a cost.
A long as Spirit allows me to make my art, and have my voice, I will share
creative work.
I can't do anything else.

"When we sit down day after day and keep grinding, something mysterious starts to happen... Unseen forces enlist in our cause; serendipity reinforces our purpose." --Steven Pressfield

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