I have been reading Anais Nin's diary - she lived in Paris in the 30's and was a friend (lover) of Henry Miller and his wife, June, among others. She lived to write in her diary - and she has such utter and total conviction for this process. Every thought is carefully recorded in an eloquent and beautiful way. I admire her committment to the process. I seem to always have doubts.
Right now, I am committed to this work - the work of collaging to access the inner (right brain) subconscious part of me.
Collaging with color and paper and images to get to that intuitive place, then writing in my journal.
I also am committed to sharing this work - leading groups and workshops and putting my pages on this blog daily.
The use of color and collage helps me understand my true thoughts better, and this is something I want to share with the world.
Yet, always, somewhere deep inside there is that nagging doubt that what I am doing is self-indulgent, immature, silly even.
If I had the utter and total conviction of the rightness of this work, like Anais Nin, I would be more fearless, more clear, more focused and dedicated.
I know what I am doing is the right thing for me now.
So, why the self-doubt?
I also take care of three kids, a husband, occasionally my aging Mom and Aunt, so I know I am not indulging myself by ignoring my other responsibilities.
It most likely is because in this capitalist society, unless we make money we are not valued.
I would love to sell more copies of my book and make money, but for now, I am trying to trust the Universe that I AM doing the right thing.
That I DO have something to contribute.
That the process of making art, writing words to know myself and the voice in me that is connected to all life is worth my time, and teaching this process is worth my time, and writing about it all here is worth my time.
I will keep reading Anais' Diary because her clear inner conviction helps to strengthen mine.